Tortured logic

This week on 60 Minutes, Leslie Stahl got up close and personal with Justice Anthony Scalia. Frankly, I prefer the smudgy chalk drawings on the 5:30 news. He seems less …um…fallible that way. Brainier. In the flesh, kinda scary. Anyway, when asked how “torture” did not constitute cruel and unusual punishment, the strict constructionist judge responded glibly, “Who says torture is punishment?” Really? That’s the sort of thinking that goes on under those black robes? Who says torture is punishment? What is it? Foreplay? Of course, he is right, you know. Punishment implies someone has been charged and convicted of a crime. And we know that isn’t happening at Gitmo. Torture isn’t punishment at all. Torture is simply a useful means to get innocent people experiencing unholy pain to confess to unimaginable crimes they never really committed. Just please stop the pain. I’ll confess to it all. Technically, not punishment. For, I suppose, true punishment necessarily implies justice. And in George Bush’s America, it’s not so much that Justice is blind. It’s just that we’ve gouged out her eyes to make sure she looks the other way.

The old soft shoe

This year, Bush has danced the Zulu Hustle in Africa. He’s tap danced for the press corps awaiting a belated John McCain. He’s danced with a New Orleans dixieland band, with his finger a’wagging and his hips a’grinding. But when it come to answering questions about a housing crisis, lost jobs, a tanking economy, the rising price of gas or the never-ending war in Iraq, the man can’t dance a lick. Who voted for this guy, anyway?

The old soft shoe

He danced some sort of Zulu Bosa Nova in Africa. He tapdanced for the press corps when John McCain was late for his photo op. He danced his finger a’wagging and hips a’grinding with a New Orleans street band. But when it comes to answering questions about job loss, economic woes, high gas prices and a never-ending war in Iraq, the man can’t dance a lick. Who voted for this guy anyway?

Under the bus

Senator Obama has done it. He has thrown his former pastor under the bus. And thank God and Greyhound, he’s gone. The center-stage appearances of the Rev. Wright and his off-the-wall statements have not only been incendiary, they have been downright sad. It was time to pull the plug. Obama wasted no time. Amen and amen.

Can I get an Amen?

Yes, Rev Wright has been taken out of context. Yes, his sound bites have been unfairly used against Senator Obama. Yes, race-baiting still works in America because racism is endemic to the fallen nature of man. And yes, Jeremiah Wright needs to put a sock in it. And soon.

The Missionary Position

I just got an e-mail forwarded from “Christian missionaries” Loren and Celeste Davis. They are busy spreading the good news: Obama is a Muslim. And apparently, the American press is in on this little jihad. So, onward Christian soldiers. Get out the vote. And remember that G.O.D. is found only in the G.O.P. Here is an excerpt from the e-mail:

What we would like you to know is what the American press has been keeping a dirty little secret. Obama IS a Muslim and he IS a racist and this is a fulfillment of the 911 threat that was just the beginning. Jihad is the only true Muslim way. We have been working with them for 20 years this July! He is not an American as we know it. Please encourage your friends and associates not to be taken in by those that are promoting him. It is world wide jihad. All our friends in Europe are very disturbed by the Muslim infiltration into their countries. By the way, his true name is Barack Hussein Muhammed Obama. Won’t that sound sweet to our enemies as they swear him in on the Koran!

And may the peace of Karl Rove be with you all.

John the Baptist?

There’s been a lot of discussion about where Barack Obama goes to church. But not as much about the GOP presumed nominee, John McCain. These days, McCain attends a Southern Baptist Church in Arizona. When he’s attending church. He’s not a member, however. John and his children have not bothered to join or get baptized. Or walk the aisle. Or fill out the card. Or do any of those things that make a Baptist a Baptist. This, after 17 years of their association with the Arizona megachurch. Which is smart. After all, you never know what your pastor might blurt out in mid-homily. Yup, deniablity. It’s a politician’s best get-out-of-jail free card. At least, until the cock crows.

Flip Flopper

Nobody likes those. Just ask John Kerry.

Rocky victory

All the pundits said that Hillary stays in if she wins Pennsylvania by double digits. And she did. Just barely. It is all so Rocky! ( Even if she had won by 9 points, something tells me she would still be in their plugging away.) Of course, the real winner is John McCain. Even though there are still two Democratic candidates in the ring taking jabs at him, Hillary always seems to be helping him take a swing at Obama. (First with the Wright, then with the Farrakhan, pow, pow, pow). Very Rocky, indeed. Cut my eye. Cut my eye.

And you thought Hillary was polarizing

Just to balance out this Obama/Clinton face off, Michael Moore has weighed in. He is putting his ample girth on the Obama side of the ledger. Already, I am liking Obama less. Wow! This guy Moore really is polarizing!!

Bush sees God

President Bush was asked by EWTN anchor Raymond Arroyo: “When you look into Benedict XVI’s eyes, what do you see?” “God,” the president answered. Really? I see an old guy with a funny hat. Bush just never ceases to amaze me. It’s simply amazing how one man can move from Evangelical Protestant, bypass Roman Catholicism, and land smack dab in garden-variety blasphemy. All in an one-word response. Awesome answer, Mr. President.

Street Money

There is a charming tradition in Pennsylvania politics. It’s called “street money.” It’s the money with which you grease the hands of the political machine’s political bosses. And every campaign in Philadelphia history (Democratic or Republican) has gladly greased the palms and oiled the machine to get the vote out. That is, until now. The Obama Campaign is refusing to play the game. And the party bosses are royally pissed. Especially, knowing that the Obama campaign is flushed with cash. Apparently, Obama’s campaign for Change is just that. This, of course, could hurt his performance on Tuesday. Or it just might change Phillie old-school politics for the better.

For the record…

The image on the left is what a presidential candidate flipping someone off looks like. The image on the right is what a presidential candidate scratching their face looks like. For an actual shot of someone flipping off Hillary Clinton, please refer to photos of former Clinton cabinet appointees Robert Reich and Bill Richardson endorsing Barack Obama.

Little hoax on the prairie

Remember Sarah? The sexually abused 16-year-old who called a San Angelo shelter and set off the raid of that Texas Mormon Ranch? The girl––who after authorities had seized over 400 minors––was nowhere among them? The whistle blower who all these odd, churchy people claimed not to know? Remember her? Well the authorities think they have found her. She appears to be this 33-year-old woman in Colorado who gets her kicks calling shelters and yanking their chain. But the best part? Texas authorities say this changes nothing. These kids have been legally removed and will remain in court custody. Yup, my favorite part of the “separation of church and state” is when the state separates the strangely devout from their strangely devout families. What these kids need are more video games, drugs, booze and reality TV. We’ll get them normal if it kills us. Or them.