Cry me a victory

There is nothing like a good cry. Especially, if you are Hillary Rodham Clinton. The ice queen wept herself a major win. When others would have choked, she choked up. Of course, some of us weren’t so sure those were really tears. (I simply thought the icy Senator from New York was melting.) But apparently it was the real deal. And frankly, I’m alright with that. I seem to remember the occasional male President getting all misty-eyed. “I did not have sex with that woman!” Spritz. Spritz. Tears can come in handy when you are trying to win over your audience. Benazir Bhutto might be with us today if she had only turned on the waterworks. Iron lady Margaret Thatcher might have increased her reign if her British upper lip hadn’t remained quite so stiff. The current President could very well seal these Mideast peace talks with just the quiver of his chin. In fact, teardrop diplomacy might just be the key to a lasting world peace. It could happen. But one thing at a time. Right now, we must take stock of the remaining White House hopefuls. We must examine their records, take note of their experience and determine which weepy-eyed candidate is worthy of the awesome responsibilities of Blubberer-In-Chief.

Romney gets the silver, Obama the silver-tongue

Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!!! Hillary Clinton may have found her voice, but Barack Obama certainly hasn’t lost his. Not only can he give a better victory speech than Senator Clinton, but he can give a concession speech that she would have been wise to just add: “ditto.” Little wonder that when given a theoretical choice between re-electing Bill Clinton President or electing Obama, Obama supporters hung tight. The majority of Hillary supporters said that they would trade their vote in on husband Billy. So, Ms. Clinton, now that you’ve found your voice take a minute and find a speech writer. Yes you can.

The other President Clinton

Alright, it ain’t working. Face the music, sister. No one is buying that you have more experience than Obama. The “day one” mantra is falling flat. And the only “change” you represent is menopause. So it’s time for a new strategy. After New Hampshire (you’ll handily lose there, by the way), stop beating around the bush and make it plain. A vote for Hillary is really a vote for Bill. He’s the one we’ve always liked. You, frankly, left us cold. So say it straight: Bill will be the real power behind the throne. We might buy that. After all, we know this thing can work. Dick Cheney has been the puppet master for the last seven years. It’s a tried and true arrangement. So just promise that when elected you will make yourself scarce and you’ll let Bill run the country. Well, you can hang around to make sure he keeps his boxers on in the Oval Office (you can do that, can’t you?). Excellent! It’s a fresh, new strategy and it can work. And frankly, it’s all you’ve got left.

But can he type?

Nice kid, this Obama. A real winner. You can’t help but like him. Unless, of course, you’re Hillary Clinton. See, this Obama kid is a rookie. That irks her. He won’t be ready for the job “day one.” This neophyte couldn’t find his way to the White House Kitchen. Senator Clinton probably could find the drawer with the butter knives blind-folded. Day one. But don’t get Senator First Lady wrong; she’s all for hope. Just not “false” hope. Apparently, that’s what this fresh-faced Junior Senator is peddling. Change. Hope. But not real change. Not real hope. The kid’s too inexperienced for that. Really? So let’s do a little research; let’s check into the kid’s record. What sort of stuff has Obama done? Um…well… produce change––real change––in a little place called Illinois. No false hope. No empty promises. Honest-to-goodness change. Read all about it. Apparently, this clean-cut, inspiring, smart-as-a-whip agent for change actually has accomplished a thing or two in his 46 years. So here’s an idea, Ms. Clinton: Attack the man’s policies. Stop taking pokes at his dream. After all, it’s our dream, too.

Cause Celeb

Okay. McCain probably has New Hampshire sewn up. But just to make darn sure, he’s brought along his celebrity. That’s right, the old dude in the picture. No, the other old dude. Recognize him? The Quaker Oats guy. Exactly! AKA Wilford Brimley. Right, I thought he was dead, too. It seems like the only celebrity more pathetic than Chuck “Walker” Norris would have to be Wilford “Oatmeal” Brimley. Wasn’t he a Senior Citizen in that Cocoon movie like twenty-five years ago? Well, I suppose it gives McCain a much needed “hook”––something to hang his campaign other than being the Republican candidate who is too hawkish on Iraq, too soft on illegals and too moderate on everything else. So let’s get these platforms straight: Obama offers change; Hillary offers experience; and McCain, I guess, offers old. I like it!

New Hampshire 1996

Quick! Name these two guys. Now tell me which one prevailed in the ’96 New Hampshire primary. Wrong! Not Bob Dole. Pat Buchanan. I know! How weird is that?! The point is New Hampshire is not all that predictable. Nor is it all that projectible. In the end, Bob Dole got the GOP nomination. And Buchanan wasn’t even allowed to speak at that year’s Republican Convention. All this is to say that a Huckabee win in New Hampshire is not all that far-fetched. Sure, it isn’t an Evangelical stronghold. But they do have an appetite for conservative ideas; and the immigration hot potato is less likely to hurt Huckabee this far north. So if Huckabee wins in New Hampshire? Well, it pretty much guarantees him nothing. I mean, just ask Pat Buchanan.